Cool Whines

Five ways to help your preschooler express herself, nicely:
by Liz Bruckner


Go on the offense
We've all been there: Your child suddenly doesn't want to leave the mall or eat what is being served for dinner or is disappointed by a gift - and expresses her displeasure about the circumstance through whining.  To avoid reliving similarly paintful moments, lay the foundation for acceptable behaviours before outings and celebrations. "Say something like, 'Grandma might give you a fit and it is important that you give her a bit thank-you, no matter what it is. That will make her feel so good,'" Brown Braun (a child development and behaviour specialist) says. "It is a good way to encourage gratitude and minimize whines."


Consider the conditions
"Sometimes children acting unsavory is about more than just the behaviour; it can be their response to an environment sabotaging their abilities to be their best selves. Whether it's too many late nights, parties, junk food, visits with friends or family or even highly distracted parents, a lack of regular structure can and does impact children," Brown Braun explains. The fix: Do what you can to anticipate your child's thresholds and breaking points, and try not to let children get past them.


Listen up
If your immediate response to a whiny preschooler is to ignore the issue, you may be encouraging the behaviour. "When you ignore, ignore, ignore, eventually you snap, respond negatively in frustration or give in. That teaches children that if they keep at it for long enough, they'll get what they want," says Brown Braun. There's always a reason for whining, she adds. "Unless you spend the time communicating with your child to uncover the problem, it never gets resolved."


Praise a pleasant voice
Try to make a habit of praising a child when she uses her normal voice in non-whiny situations, suggests Brown Braun. "Say something like, 'That's such a great voice! I am happy to listen when you use that voice," she says. Then, should a whining scenario arise, saying something like, 'When you're ready to use a regular voice, I'll be ready to listen,' will help remind your child to be consistent," adds Brown Braun. And even if you refuse a request, let your daughter know that you really appreciated the manner in which she asked.

Provide some undivided attention
We get it: You've had a hard day, but rather than snap when your child starts whining the moment you walk in the door, set aside a few minutes to focus on her alone. "Take a deep breath, put your keys down, forget about dinner and spend that time intensely focused on  your child," says Brown Braun. "It may not be easy, but buckling down and doing this meets your child's need for attention." Plus, once she feels heard, she's much more likely to respond positively to any requests while you get your family's evening routine started.


Canadian Family, November 2011 issue, page 30