I can do it myself! - Tips to encourage your child's independence

Article by Robin Stevenson

Published in November 2010 issue of Canadian Family

Learning Curve

Mastering new skills takes effort, and unfortunately a preschooler's mental ambitions may not match his physical or linguistic abilities. "We need to observe our children constantly," says Cindy Brandon, an early childhood education professor at Centennial College in Toronto. "We need to know what they can do, what they can't do and what they are ready to do."

While practice does make perfect, sometimes the pressure to achieve a goal will result in a tantrum, tears or giving up completely. "My eldest, Ryan, now nine, would try and do a task himself until he got to the point where he was frustrated and would then cry and ask me to help him," remembers Smith. "My daughter Ella, now seven, never gave up trying. She rarely asked for help and was content to keep trying until she got it right. Amelia is more like Ryan except that when she gets to the point of utter frustration, she gives up and doesn't want anyone to help her afterwards."

To encourage learning a skill without stress, Brandon suggests breaking down the task your child is trying to master into small parts. You can start your preschooler's coat zipper while she finishes the job, or, if she demonstrates that she's almost ready to zip up her own coat, leave a couple around the house she can practice at her own pace. "That way your child can experience the thrill of success and move closer toward independence and healthy self-esteem," says Brandon.

Gushnowski reminds parents that if their child does get frustrated or has a tantrum while trying to master a task, she should not be punished - this is simply how some preschoolers communicate their feelings. She suggests verbally reminding the child to calm down and to use her words to describe  her feelings. "It's more important that parents and caregivers teach their children how to tolerate the stresses of life in a positive and pro-social manner."

Managing your own expectations

Although it is frustrating to wait (and wait) for your children to finish their activity, it is vital that they do it by themselves, says Smith, even if the outcome isn't perfect. "I remember that when Ryan was learning to make his bed, I had to resist the urge to go in and smooth out the wrinkles. He was so proud of himself, and I had to remind myself that if I went in to 'fix' it afterwards, it would undermine his efforts."

Parents also need to understand that when it comes to independence and mastery, children need to be motivated by their own accomplishment without the need for rewards like candy, money or excessive verbal affirmation. "Praise for an accomplishment is appropriate, but be sure that your children are doing a task because they are interested and not because they think they will be praised," says Gushnowski. "This is why it is important to let them try things independently - no matter how long it takes!" She also recommends that parents give children ample time to finish activities and resist the urge to help hurry them along. "Instead, if you are in a rush," she says, "remind them they only have a few minutes to finish what they are doing."

Part of parenting is waiting, agrees Brandon, even if it takes 10 minutes to get gloves, boots, and a coat on by himself. "I think there are times when we just need to be patient and wait. Children are so new to the world - enjoy watching them learn and grow."